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tonight's talk
Jun. 17th, 2016 02:29 pmWhat are names? We think of them merely as labels. It would make no difference if James were named John or Sue was named Jane. They are just arbitrary conventions which we go wtih from inertia.
Except we know a lot of stuff contradicting this.
There's the whole thing that giving children markedly unusual names generally leads to non trivially poorer life outcomes.
There's the fact that people with short names are liked better than people with long names.
There's the ethnic component of names in multiethnic societies and the assumptions and baggage that goes with that.
The majority of names literally have meanings and we literally mostly do not care about this.
Then we edge into matters on the border of substance: how names are chosen to invoke the examples of dead people. Or how Jews choose a new name after nearly dying. Or how reputation influences our performance (we do worse as we get more famous, if anything reminds us of this fact).
So now, doesn't the Jewish refusal to try and depersonalize all the Caananite names ascribed to their deity take on a deeper significance? Unlike the figure in other sacred stories, the Jews want there to be no trace of influence save for what their mystic tradition says, as pure principle discovered through contemplation of their invisible, inefffable deity.
They want to emphasize how apart their divine source is from everything. What a unique position that power occupies compared to "that which is worshipped as divine".
The wording in the commandment can also imply that instead of "taking" the verb could well be "carrying". This is totally in agreement with the passages in some prayers.
-"Have mercy on us, for we bear Your great Name" (Blessings of the Dawn).
- The reference in Anim Zemirot to the divine name engraved on the anthropomorphicized forehead...and the fact humans are made in the divine image",
-"Our father, our king, we bear your great name, abandon us not" from the Monday or Thursday meditations for Tachanun.
I wish could rediscover the reference for the following idea. An author comments that it's not just that the Jews are "slaves of God" but there's evidence they are _possessions_ of God. (This agrees with the Orthodox wording on the first verse of the Amidah) So God's name is thus an innate identifying mark upon all of them.
So within the Covenant there's a sense that the boundary between the Jews and their deity is a blurry one. (Which makes sense, given "Israel" means "one who wrestles with _gods_ _and_ men"...which otherwise is an outrageously casual grouping.(I'm aware the language admits of more than one translation here, but afaik this is a valid reading?) )
And then there's the element of reputation. Scripture and prayer are full of references to the idea that the reputation attached to a person is extremely important. That the reputation attached to God is even more important.
The phrase "for the sake of Your Name" gets thrown around a lot in less metaphoric, idiomized translations.
Except we know a lot of stuff contradicting this.
There's the whole thing that giving children markedly unusual names generally leads to non trivially poorer life outcomes.
There's the fact that people with short names are liked better than people with long names.
There's the ethnic component of names in multiethnic societies and the assumptions and baggage that goes with that.
The majority of names literally have meanings and we literally mostly do not care about this.
Then we edge into matters on the border of substance: how names are chosen to invoke the examples of dead people. Or how Jews choose a new name after nearly dying. Or how reputation influences our performance (we do worse as we get more famous, if anything reminds us of this fact).
So now, doesn't the Jewish refusal to try and depersonalize all the Caananite names ascribed to their deity take on a deeper significance? Unlike the figure in other sacred stories, the Jews want there to be no trace of influence save for what their mystic tradition says, as pure principle discovered through contemplation of their invisible, inefffable deity.
They want to emphasize how apart their divine source is from everything. What a unique position that power occupies compared to "that which is worshipped as divine".
The wording in the commandment can also imply that instead of "taking" the verb could well be "carrying". This is totally in agreement with the passages in some prayers.
-"Have mercy on us, for we bear Your great Name" (Blessings of the Dawn).
- The reference in Anim Zemirot to the divine name engraved on the anthropomorphicized forehead...and the fact humans are made in the divine image",
-"Our father, our king, we bear your great name, abandon us not" from the Monday or Thursday meditations for Tachanun.
I wish could rediscover the reference for the following idea. An author comments that it's not just that the Jews are "slaves of God" but there's evidence they are _possessions_ of God. (This agrees with the Orthodox wording on the first verse of the Amidah) So God's name is thus an innate identifying mark upon all of them.
So within the Covenant there's a sense that the boundary between the Jews and their deity is a blurry one. (Which makes sense, given "Israel" means "one who wrestles with _gods_ _and_ men"...which otherwise is an outrageously casual grouping.(I'm aware the language admits of more than one translation here, but afaik this is a valid reading?) )
And then there's the element of reputation. Scripture and prayer are full of references to the idea that the reputation attached to a person is extremely important. That the reputation attached to God is even more important.
The phrase "for the sake of Your Name" gets thrown around a lot in less metaphoric, idiomized translations.
(no subject)
Mar. 30th, 2016 04:59 pmOghren reached for his drink and missed. Maybe he'd had enough.
This was always a tricky question. If he drank a little and stopped there, his inhibitions went down and he was more emotional. This was fine in some situations. In others it could lead to confrontations with severe consequences.
Lethal consequences, once. And it had been implied if this happened again, the death might be his own.
Pfah. As if he cared, really.
But he did care about getting enough revenge on dwarven society. Dumb fuckers just having babies. Never thinking if they should ask the babies if they wanted to be born.
The warrior caste was his privilege and his prison. Within it, his only real hope of getting even with dwarvenkind was a long, successful life. Full of people who hated his success. People whom his ever continued breathing was rubbing their noses in a revolting fact. Reminding them that he was the gadfly they couldn't squash. No matter how much they wanted to.
Of course, if he drank a bit more, his focus narrowed to the here and now. His sense of humour, always sensitive to the absurd, grew stronger. But the problem was it also made him forget why he had to care about various types of self control. So it was important to get through this stage and keep drinking. To that point that he tended to feel the way most of the people in the room felt.
Yet at the point, he was very easy to manipulate, even for a drunk. And that was a dangerous state for any dwarf of status to be in. Much less one who'd stepped on so many surprisingly delicate dwarves toes.
However much dwarves styled themselves tough and rugged, it was usually a lie. They were just a bunch of preening, self obsessed fops. Set an Orlesian bard listening at the door into a dwarven party somehow held in Vas Royeaux. The fucker wouldn't be able to tell by the words or the tone that it wasn't just another bunch of petty, poisonous palace pusfaces.
So the only solution was to keep drinking. Until everything seemed distant and hazy, kind of funny and sort of adorable. It felt like he was the big brother in a room full of endearing younger siblings. He had had one brother he'd doted on. Grew up to be a prick who wouldn't talk to Oghren anymore. But he wouldn't deny he'd loved him as a boy.
The problem was if he kept drinking, he'd black out. And booze didn't always go to his head at the same rate. The more drunk he got, the more important it was to know how much he'd had. But the harder keeping track became.
Yes, drinking was a bit of a battle itself. But being sober in the company of other dwarves would also lead to fatal confrontations. And being sober alone was intolerable for someone who hated himself as much as he did.
Ah well, tomorrow he'd get to go disembowel some darkspawn. That was the one time in is life when things were almost good. Good enough to put up with the drinking and the not hitting people who deserved hitting parts. So he could endure the sickening stupidity and hypocrisy which Orzammar was built upon more than mere stone.
Still, sometimes he could tell he was on track to that sweet spot in his drunkeness. Those were the good nights.
Except when dwarves taught him however low his expectations of them, they could sink lower still.
He shook his head in disbelief. He was far more shrewd than people gave him credit for. But he was reasonably sure he'd just heard something awful. More awful than typical for being around dwarven warriors.
It was almost as if the alleged ancestors heard his request and the speaker repeated themselves.
This was always a tricky question. If he drank a little and stopped there, his inhibitions went down and he was more emotional. This was fine in some situations. In others it could lead to confrontations with severe consequences.
Lethal consequences, once. And it had been implied if this happened again, the death might be his own.
Pfah. As if he cared, really.
But he did care about getting enough revenge on dwarven society. Dumb fuckers just having babies. Never thinking if they should ask the babies if they wanted to be born.
The warrior caste was his privilege and his prison. Within it, his only real hope of getting even with dwarvenkind was a long, successful life. Full of people who hated his success. People whom his ever continued breathing was rubbing their noses in a revolting fact. Reminding them that he was the gadfly they couldn't squash. No matter how much they wanted to.
Of course, if he drank a bit more, his focus narrowed to the here and now. His sense of humour, always sensitive to the absurd, grew stronger. But the problem was it also made him forget why he had to care about various types of self control. So it was important to get through this stage and keep drinking. To that point that he tended to feel the way most of the people in the room felt.
Yet at the point, he was very easy to manipulate, even for a drunk. And that was a dangerous state for any dwarf of status to be in. Much less one who'd stepped on so many surprisingly delicate dwarves toes.
However much dwarves styled themselves tough and rugged, it was usually a lie. They were just a bunch of preening, self obsessed fops. Set an Orlesian bard listening at the door into a dwarven party somehow held in Vas Royeaux. The fucker wouldn't be able to tell by the words or the tone that it wasn't just another bunch of petty, poisonous palace pusfaces.
So the only solution was to keep drinking. Until everything seemed distant and hazy, kind of funny and sort of adorable. It felt like he was the big brother in a room full of endearing younger siblings. He had had one brother he'd doted on. Grew up to be a prick who wouldn't talk to Oghren anymore. But he wouldn't deny he'd loved him as a boy.
The problem was if he kept drinking, he'd black out. And booze didn't always go to his head at the same rate. The more drunk he got, the more important it was to know how much he'd had. But the harder keeping track became.
Yes, drinking was a bit of a battle itself. But being sober in the company of other dwarves would also lead to fatal confrontations. And being sober alone was intolerable for someone who hated himself as much as he did.
Ah well, tomorrow he'd get to go disembowel some darkspawn. That was the one time in is life when things were almost good. Good enough to put up with the drinking and the not hitting people who deserved hitting parts. So he could endure the sickening stupidity and hypocrisy which Orzammar was built upon more than mere stone.
Still, sometimes he could tell he was on track to that sweet spot in his drunkeness. Those were the good nights.
Except when dwarves taught him however low his expectations of them, they could sink lower still.
He shook his head in disbelief. He was far more shrewd than people gave him credit for. But he was reasonably sure he'd just heard something awful. More awful than typical for being around dwarven warriors.
It was almost as if the alleged ancestors heard his request and the speaker repeated themselves.
Better than expected
Dec. 26th, 2014 09:21 pmWell, after facing the exhaustion and terror of the trip to William's Lake, it's gone okay so far. Was surprised to get Christmas presents, and they had much d'awwww: a couple boosters for the Friendship is Magic CCG (with character cards for two of the chars I like best from the background ponies, Maud Pie and Vinyl Scratch) which could only have come from the starter deck format they bought. it was a random pick on their part.
And Jordan knitted me a scarf. I need a second scarf badly so I have my neck AND mouth covered warmly when outside (one scarf won't do both)
It even is a shade of blue green that goes with my hair and eyes.
Just amazing.
A bit alienated and at odds and ends, but overall the experience is pleasant and managed to make more soup and eat some. It tastes tolerable. So yay for the near future.
And Jordan knitted me a scarf. I need a second scarf badly so I have my neck AND mouth covered warmly when outside (one scarf won't do both)
It even is a shade of blue green that goes with my hair and eyes.
Just amazing.
A bit alienated and at odds and ends, but overall the experience is pleasant and managed to make more soup and eat some. It tastes tolerable. So yay for the near future.
Sorry to not post sooner
Dec. 23rd, 2014 09:56 amSo I had some unprecedentedly vigorous traditional Chinese medicine stuff in my body happen _immediately just in response to thinking about subbing to you_. Was pretty unambiguously negative. Finally managed to tell my acupuncturists (I have two right now, Mariko and Marina) about my struggles with this and they agreed with my interpretation.
I didn't block you but I still won't be talking to you for at least another 45-60 days. Mariko said I should see major effects if I can stay clean that long.
What clinched it for me is I had a repeat of the symptoms from thinking about subbing for you...just in response to wondering if your issues with "changing your health insurance" would apply if you didn't have to cancel your existing policy to apply for the subsidized one for $25-40/month. (And I'm almost positive you don't have to change your existing coverage at all.)
Right now I'm packing for the trip to see my brother, it's been an exhausting week by my standard. Though i did meet two local bronies and played the Friendship is Magic CCG with them, it seems pretty good (I didn't spend much on it, just enough for a couple starter packs. if I buy any more cards it'll be from liquidation on ebay or something and not until after I have my inheritance. Not pouring money down the CCG sink again :P just enough to be able to game.
Just finished making my first thing of soup to address my condition: kale, turnip, beets,parsley, fresh non irradiated cardamom and fennel and chicken fat. Hopefully it tastes edible but at least it smells good.
Will post regularly so you don't have to panic.
I didn't block you but I still won't be talking to you for at least another 45-60 days. Mariko said I should see major effects if I can stay clean that long.
What clinched it for me is I had a repeat of the symptoms from thinking about subbing for you...just in response to wondering if your issues with "changing your health insurance" would apply if you didn't have to cancel your existing policy to apply for the subsidized one for $25-40/month. (And I'm almost positive you don't have to change your existing coverage at all.)
Right now I'm packing for the trip to see my brother, it's been an exhausting week by my standard. Though i did meet two local bronies and played the Friendship is Magic CCG with them, it seems pretty good (I didn't spend much on it, just enough for a couple starter packs. if I buy any more cards it'll be from liquidation on ebay or something and not until after I have my inheritance. Not pouring money down the CCG sink again :P just enough to be able to game.
Just finished making my first thing of soup to address my condition: kale, turnip, beets,parsley, fresh non irradiated cardamom and fennel and chicken fat. Hopefully it tastes edible but at least it smells good.
Will post regularly so you don't have to panic.
and once again it all melts away. didn't write for a couple days because even addressing you felt like a submissive gesture. and then had a dream this morning about one of dad's dead sisters who was close to him weepily telling me how special Indiana and Ohio are @_@
Every reason not to submit dulls and fades so soon after it is formed @_@
Every reason not to submit dulls and fades so soon after it is formed @_@
and the next day
Dec. 1st, 2014 05:46 pmWell. How today went. not too badly. sleep's still being interrupted by the lung chill, but managed about five hours. My niece wrote back and I replied in turn. She comes across in writing just like she did in person: very precise, very intelligent and very tightly wound.
(Also much better at being obedient to the goals she values than I was at that age. I'm curious how much of that is her and how much is something Trevor and Ky do parenting wise which Mom didn't.)
Read a cracked article about self harm and it was mainly about the observation that self harm is a straight up addiction. It had a note that with non substance addictions, its hard to stop because its hard to take seriously the fact you've grown accustomed to endorphins and get very unhappy at not getting them. Like, with substance abuse, there's physical and psychological habituation. With a behaviour it gets to the hear of addiction: you're in pain and need distracting from pain and going from having a distraction (however inefficient and costly) to not having one puts you facing a problem you ran desperately to avoid.
Been thinking a lot about my last bits of socializing with Dad before he died. One of the things is that he also noticed how exceptional is Jordan (the niece). He didn't express any formal requests but it's clear she's going to have a challenging life and if I can offer help, it will be something he would have wanted strongly for me to do.
This helps a lot with resisting urges because yah, I had them hit unexpectedly hard. I always have them return but I hadn't expected the honeymoon to be this short.
Needles went really well, felt a chi block move for first time in a couple months or more. Got some improvement on the lung chill issue I think. Some emotional improvement. and managed to sense "the light" again for the first time in a long time. And Mariko, my acupuncturist, acknowledged tactfully that yes, I do a lot to sabotage myself but she forgives me and spends her spiritual energy prodigiously to help because "I can see you're struggling to express the Light in you".
had celebratory chicken and even got the bones on to stew.
and now I'm about to fall over. (needles eats four hours out of my day with transit to and fro included.
(Also much better at being obedient to the goals she values than I was at that age. I'm curious how much of that is her and how much is something Trevor and Ky do parenting wise which Mom didn't.)
Read a cracked article about self harm and it was mainly about the observation that self harm is a straight up addiction. It had a note that with non substance addictions, its hard to stop because its hard to take seriously the fact you've grown accustomed to endorphins and get very unhappy at not getting them. Like, with substance abuse, there's physical and psychological habituation. With a behaviour it gets to the hear of addiction: you're in pain and need distracting from pain and going from having a distraction (however inefficient and costly) to not having one puts you facing a problem you ran desperately to avoid.
Been thinking a lot about my last bits of socializing with Dad before he died. One of the things is that he also noticed how exceptional is Jordan (the niece). He didn't express any formal requests but it's clear she's going to have a challenging life and if I can offer help, it will be something he would have wanted strongly for me to do.
This helps a lot with resisting urges because yah, I had them hit unexpectedly hard. I always have them return but I hadn't expected the honeymoon to be this short.
Needles went really well, felt a chi block move for first time in a couple months or more. Got some improvement on the lung chill issue I think. Some emotional improvement. and managed to sense "the light" again for the first time in a long time. And Mariko, my acupuncturist, acknowledged tactfully that yes, I do a lot to sabotage myself but she forgives me and spends her spiritual energy prodigiously to help because "I can see you're struggling to express the Light in you".
had celebratory chicken and even got the bones on to stew.
and now I'm about to fall over. (needles eats four hours out of my day with transit to and fro included.
First post
Nov. 30th, 2014 05:48 pmSo. What set this off.
Well, I typed a lot and remembered your attention span for long rambling things.
Here's the tl;dr version.
I have a niece, Jordan, whom I admire a lot. She's 14. I had thought I had to do everything I could to avoid interacting with her because Reasons. I found out after talking to her mom, Ky, that Reasons were wrong. in fact, Ky trusts me enough she doesn't mind that Jordan's interested in communicating with me.
(Just finished that conversation an hour ago.)
I know I won't have a lot of interactions with Jordan but it's _very_ important for me to be ready to be a good influence on the off chance she needs help of any sort from me. Because she's smart, sensitive and autistic. Formidable as she is, she's going to have a challenging life.
And I have to be on my A game morally and spiritually to do that. Being your slave was destroying my body and spirit slowly, but I didn't mind because I hate myself and it felt good. But my dad stopped drinking when I was six months old because his drinking nearly drove mom away. I hope I can imitate his resolve when faced with a pressing moral necessity.
I care for my brothers a lot because they used my parents' blessings well. Far better than I did. I have failed to use those blessing well, but I can at least make amends by helping them. Now, I can't help Tyler and his family because I simply can't get along with his wife despite mutual goodwill. And I mostly can't help Trevor and Ky. But helping Jordan helps them which is literally one of the only things in the world I can do which I care about.
Its still going to be hard. But I'm going to do it.
Also, this morning I just randomly reread a chapter in a very wrenching pony fic.
it had a wham moment:
(There's a bit where Twilight Sparkle is going insane because of terrible things she did, rationalizing it as necessary. And she sees her reflection in the mirror trying to stop her from doing another terrible thing, cursing her out. She can't hear what the reflection's saying but she knows it's trying to make her admit what she's doing is wrong, and she goes all out to stop it. She succeeds and does the terrible thing anyway. In the aftermath Twilight pauses and ponders)
"Well, things are almost perfect. That thing with the mirror is still nagging at me. All those vicious, terrible lies that the other Twilight said. The ones I couldn’t hear. I’m still not hearing them over and over in the back of my head."
and eventually, abruptly, she cracks and admits to herself those weren't lies, and faces the truth of what she did wrong.
and I was reminded of a comment I made on this passage, even without reading it.
"Humans run on lies. It's a scientifically established fact. Live long enough and if you haven't got at least a few huge lies underpinning your life, it's luck as much as virtue. But there's always those hints. Always part of you that knows the score. And much as reality hurts, we'd be much better off accepting that hurt. Rather than living as though those lies are true and doing things that reduce the innermost part of us to a gibbering wreck praying for extinction."
(The story, for reference is Reign of Queen Twilight Sparkle, but it only makes sense if you read the excellent and darkly funny Hard Reset (think darker and edgier Groundhog Day) and watch some of S1 of the shows )
I'm going to try not making my inner self such a wreck with denial of what I'm doing.
Well, I typed a lot and remembered your attention span for long rambling things.
Here's the tl;dr version.
I have a niece, Jordan, whom I admire a lot. She's 14. I had thought I had to do everything I could to avoid interacting with her because Reasons. I found out after talking to her mom, Ky, that Reasons were wrong. in fact, Ky trusts me enough she doesn't mind that Jordan's interested in communicating with me.
(Just finished that conversation an hour ago.)
I know I won't have a lot of interactions with Jordan but it's _very_ important for me to be ready to be a good influence on the off chance she needs help of any sort from me. Because she's smart, sensitive and autistic. Formidable as she is, she's going to have a challenging life.
And I have to be on my A game morally and spiritually to do that. Being your slave was destroying my body and spirit slowly, but I didn't mind because I hate myself and it felt good. But my dad stopped drinking when I was six months old because his drinking nearly drove mom away. I hope I can imitate his resolve when faced with a pressing moral necessity.
I care for my brothers a lot because they used my parents' blessings well. Far better than I did. I have failed to use those blessing well, but I can at least make amends by helping them. Now, I can't help Tyler and his family because I simply can't get along with his wife despite mutual goodwill. And I mostly can't help Trevor and Ky. But helping Jordan helps them which is literally one of the only things in the world I can do which I care about.
Its still going to be hard. But I'm going to do it.
Also, this morning I just randomly reread a chapter in a very wrenching pony fic.
it had a wham moment:
(There's a bit where Twilight Sparkle is going insane because of terrible things she did, rationalizing it as necessary. And she sees her reflection in the mirror trying to stop her from doing another terrible thing, cursing her out. She can't hear what the reflection's saying but she knows it's trying to make her admit what she's doing is wrong, and she goes all out to stop it. She succeeds and does the terrible thing anyway. In the aftermath Twilight pauses and ponders)
"Well, things are almost perfect. That thing with the mirror is still nagging at me. All those vicious, terrible lies that the other Twilight said. The ones I couldn’t hear. I’m still not hearing them over and over in the back of my head."
and eventually, abruptly, she cracks and admits to herself those weren't lies, and faces the truth of what she did wrong.
and I was reminded of a comment I made on this passage, even without reading it.
"Humans run on lies. It's a scientifically established fact. Live long enough and if you haven't got at least a few huge lies underpinning your life, it's luck as much as virtue. But there's always those hints. Always part of you that knows the score. And much as reality hurts, we'd be much better off accepting that hurt. Rather than living as though those lies are true and doing things that reduce the innermost part of us to a gibbering wreck praying for extinction."
(The story, for reference is Reign of Queen Twilight Sparkle, but it only makes sense if you read the excellent and darkly funny Hard Reset (think darker and edgier Groundhog Day) and watch some of S1 of the shows )
I'm going to try not making my inner self such a wreck with denial of what I'm doing.
